Whether you lead a team or a business – or are part of one – you absolutely need these skills:
- How to lead yourself and others
- How to collaborate and communicate
- How to improvise in ambiguity and uncertainty
and many more.
And there’s one topic that pops up over and over again. In 1:1 coaching sessions, in workshops, on LinkedIn, and unprompted in Q&As after talks. Yes, you guessed it: feedback.
- “I want to confront bad behavior in my team but not as aggressively as I do it right now.” – Good plan!
- “I wait with critical feedback until Friday so they can recharge over the weekend.” – Wait, what?
- “When I get comments at work, I’m always reacting so negatively.” – Let’s change that!
- “What’s the best setting for feedback – in public or in private?” – Depends!
So I decided it’s time for another conversation around feedback:
Welcome to Feedback 101+, my series on giving, receiving, and asking for feedback!
We’re going to cover some basics (101) and get into some advanced ideas (+). It’s an invitation to reflect on your personal and your team's approach to feedback. Because we all have room to improve, don’t we?
How You Make the Best Out of This Course:
Have your notebook ready. Read and watch the material. Write down any reflections, insights, or questions. Add observations from your work experience. Answer the question prompts. Journal your feedback behavior going forward. Come back to your notes on a daily or weekly basis.
And if we’re working 1:1, bring your reflections to our coaching session. Together, we explore individualized communication strategies for you and your team.
Let’s get right into it!
Let’s kick off with what to stop once and for all: the feedback sandwich.
Stop Using the Sandwich Method – It Doesn’t Work
Where did you learn about the feedback sandwich?
The feedback method seems simple: if you have something constructive to share, start and end your feedback with something positive.
This method has been used over and over again. Nowadays, it doesn’t feel honest or authentic anymore. And it’s less helpful in most cases.
What’s your experience? Has the sandwich worked for you, or has it backfired?
So what should we do instead?
If you have something positive to share, share it. When you have something constructive to share, share it. Don’t package it in a sandwich.
But… “just share it” – isn't that too harsh?
Give More Positive Feedback (And Watch What Happens)
“Just share it” is a bit tough, you might think. And you are right!
You need something first: a feedback culture that heavily leans on constant positive feedback.
If you only speak up when something goes wrong, people optimize for not going wrong. Bu that's not the same as doing great work.
Your goal is to encourage value-driven behavior that’s in tune with your vision and culture. That tells people what ‘right’ looks like in your team. And it makes team members want to repeat it.
Eventually, that encouraged behavior will drive innovation, performance, and the bottom line.
That’s why I start this feedback series with a focus on positive feedback. You’ll find another reason here:
Through positive feedback you’re communicating: “I see you”, “I value you”, “I’m not here to attack you”. This builds a good connection and trust which makes it so much easier for others to receive constructive comments you might have later on.
So your positive/negative feedback ratio matters:
What’s your usual positive/negative ratio? 50/50? 20/80? 80/20?
I believe this is so important, let’s double down on this most underrated feedback rule.
People Need to Hear When They’re Doing Well
Open any shared document. Look at the comments. Count how many say “great point” or “I love this section”. I’ll wait.
Well? –
And I get it. As soon as you open someone’s Word or Google doc, the comment section jumps at you, screaming: Tell them what to improve/change/delete/add, NOW!
We are used to “giving comments”, quite literally. When someone asks us, “what do you think?”, we want to feel valuable and share point after point what they could do differently.
It’s a pity. Because we could spark so much more energy, creativity, and innovative power in each other – if we could just change our tune.
A comment that says “this paragraph is exactly right.” A sticky note that reads “keep this, don't change it.” A reaction that tells someone: you're on the right track, do more of this.
I only realized it when I worked with a team that gave positive feedback constantly, and it gave me so much energy!
Let’s keep in mind: Sometimes we forget to mention positive things. But sometimes people deserve a reminder of what they’re doing well.
What’s on your desk right now waiting for feedback? Maybe sprinkle it with some positive feedback?
Now, let’s get to something that might surprise you: feedback should NOT always be given 1:1!
Public or Private Feedback? It Depends on This
Most people assume feedback belongs behind closed doors. It doesn't – not always.
Done wrong, public feedback can be humiliating. And humiliation has a looong memory.
Done right, it’s one of the most powerful tools a leader and their team have.
So what’s my answer? I know it can be tiring to ask a genuine question and get 'depends' in return. But in this case, I wholeheartedly say: it depends!
Positive feedback has the most impact when you give it immediately, in public, as a surprise.
When it comes to constructive feedback it depends on how far your team has developed their culture and communication skills.
If trust and psychological safety are strong, you can share constructively within the team so that every team members learns from it.
If that’s not the case, it’s better to deliver it in a 1:1 setting. Especially with highly critical feedback.
What did you observe:
When was the last time you saw someone getting negative feedback in a group setting – and what was the effect?
Let’s shift to the basic feedback rule I see violated over and over again.
Vague Feedback Doesn't Work – Get Specific Like a Camera
Have you ever heard one of these sentences:
“Don’t be so emotional!”
“You really need to speak up more.”
“You need to think more like entrepreneurs.”
“We need more accountability and ownership!”
Well? Everything clear now?
I guess not. So let’s fix this!
A video camera can't film “be more accountable”. But it can film you refreshing your email client not receiving any update on the time-critical project. And it can film someone staying quiet in a meeting where their expertise was directly relevant.
Say what you see. That's it.
Use phrases like: “I observed…”, “I saw…”, “I read…”
Or: “In the future, I want to see… / read / hear…”
The examples I shared in the beginning come up in coaching – from all sides. Clients quoting their manager: “they told me to be more strategic”. Managers about their team member: “they just need to take more responsibility”.
In coaching, we explore this. What does “more strategic” actually look like in your role and for the promotion you're aiming at? What does “responsibility” look like as a team standard people can act on? And what is this thing called "executive presence" – I still want to be authentic?!
What’s your experience:
What’s one of these vague pieces of feedback you’ve heard all the time?
Now, let's unpack emotions in professional feedback – are they helpful or harmful?
Emotions in Professional Feedback: Helpful or Harmful?
“You're unprofessional.” That's feedback. Technically.
But “I was confused when the report arrived without context, because I had to walk into that client meeting blind” – that's a different thing.
So let’s talk about emotions in professional feedback: too risky or helpful?
Both can be true! Let’s start with the helpful side.
Start by sharing what you specifically felt in that moment. Stick to clear, simple emotions that describe your experience.
You can say: “I was confused.” / “I was unsure.” / “I was surprised.”
Looking back at your past feedback conversations:
How comfortable are you with sharing how you feel? Scale from 1 to 10?
Let’s increase the heat a bit: you’re furious! Now what?
Upset? Wait. Give Better Feedback When You're Calm
You're furious! And you have feedback to give.
Here's what happens next: you say something you can't take back. Or you say something technically true but delivered with so much heat that the other person stops hearing the words.
I get it. You might be upset. About the person, about your life, about the world.
Don’t bring that into your feedback conversation. It won’t have the effect you want.
Give your feedback after you processed your emotions. Take a walk. Take a breath. Sleep on it.
When you’re centered again, then go into the conversation.
As you can see, it’s not about hiding your emotions. It’s about processing them. It’s to make sure they don’t hijack your conversation and - further down the line - your relationship.
What are your experiences while giving or receiving feedback? Do you think anger, frustration, irritation are helpful or harmful?
Now let’s find an alternative to saying, “Can I give you some feedback?”
Before Giving Feedback, Ask How They Experienced It
Someone on your team just made a mistake.
You saw it. You were there. You know exactly what happened and exactly what they should have done differently.
And oh, do you have thoughts. I can feel it from here – you're already composing the feedback in your head.
But wait! Wait. Ask this first.
Instead of saying: “Can I give you some feedback?” – try asking first: “How did you experience it?” or “what’s your view” to gather information about the other person’s perspective.
You might learn you misread the situation. Maybe there's context you didn't have. They also feel heard before you give input, which means they're actually open to hearing your feedback.
And maybe they already noticed their behavior. Maybe they’re already upset themselves. Maybe the even already know what to change! No need to 'put salt in the wound'.
How often do you ask for the other person’s perspective? Have you ever been surprised by their reaction?
There’s one thing to keep in mind. Without this, your feedback won't change a thing.
Explain Why Your Feedback Matters
If you don't explain why your feedback matters, people won't change.
“You were late.” Okay. And?
“You interrupted her.” Right. So?
We think a clearly stated observation is enough. We think the other person will connect the dots – from their behavior to the consequences. But they might not. And then they don’t change.
Here's what people actually need to hear: not only what they did wrong – meaning, what wasn't in tune with our culture or values – but why it matters.
Explain the impact of their behavior, for example: “When you behave like X, I’m afraid we could lose our customers’ trust.”
As you can see, the feedback is not necessarily about 'me, me, me'. It’s about the team’s energy, vibe, collaboration, bottom line.
Does explaining the impact come naturally to you, or do you need a reminder from time to time?
Before we continue: there's something slowly killing your feedback.
Give Feedback While It's Fresh – Not a Week Later
You saw it happen three weeks ago.
You meant to bring it up. But the timing wasn't right. Then they had a rough week. Then you got busy. Then it felt too late.
And now you're carrying a feedback conversation that should have taken five minutes – and turning it into a story about why you never had it.
You know what? The right moment never comes. You have to create it.
Just do it: “Hey, can we quickly talk about that meeting / that presentation / that call?”
Give feedback as soon as possible when the context is still fresh and everyone remembers what happened.
But, and this is important: don’t give feedback when angry, frustrated, or upset. In that case, process your emotions first. And then deliver your feedback quickly – not a week later.
Have you ever waited a little bit tooo long for giving feedback? How did it turn out?
Now, let’s address the three words that send people into panic mode before you’ve even said a word.
Start the Feedback Conversation Right – Set the Context
“Can we talk?”
Oh wow, I can hear your heart sink from here.
And you're not even the one who received that message.
These three words can send people into panic mode before you've said another word.
Suddenly they're not listening to you anymore – they're managing their own fear: What are you going to say? How bad is it? Should I be preparing a defense?
By the time you get to the actual feedback, you're already fighting for their attention against the story they've been telling themselves since you sent that message.
Thankfully, the fix is almost embarrassingly simple!
Since 'Can we talk?' might be the worst way to start a feedback conversation – what’s the alternative?
Say what it’s about: “I’d like to talk with you about the meeting / your email / that project.”
Then ask: “Do you have a minute?” Or, if longer, mark the time: “Do you have 10 minutes to go through this?”
That way they know the topic, they know the length, they can focus or schedule a time.
What’s your take on this:
How do you start feedback conversations?
But there’s another even more important question before giving feedback.
Check Your Intention Before Giving Feedback
We tell ourselves we give feedback to help. But it's not always that simple.
Always check your intention: Why do I really want to give feedback?
Your intention should be: “I want the other person to improve.” or “I want them to perform at least 1% better next time.”
It’s about growth, improvement, and support. Everything else is not a positive intention.
What do you think about this:
Do you agree?
Now we get into the all-or-nothing question: should you give that feedback – or skip it?
Give Feedback or Skip It? Ask Yourself These 3 Questions
There's a typo on slide three. Do they need to know?
We often underestimate how much people want our feedback. Sometimes we overestimate. So what do we do about this?
A good check is to put yourself in the other person’s shoes: If I were them, would I want to hear this? Would it help me? Would I be grateful?
Through the lens of the other person, here are the three science-backed questions:
- How valuable is the feedback? Scale 1-10
- How helpful is the feedback? Scale 1-10
- How grateful am I about the feedback? Scale 1-10
This reflection helps you decide whether to share your feedback — or to keep it to yourself.
What was the last constructive feedback you got that you are now grateful for?
Source & inspiration: Abi-Esber, N., Abel, J. E., Schroeder, J., & Gino, F. (2022). “Just letting you know … “ Underestimating others' desire for constructive feedback. Journal of personality and social psychology, 123(6), 1362–1385. https://doi.org/10.1037/pspi0000393
Now, let’s change gears! Let’s switch our conversation over to how to receive feedback.
Most feedback advice is about the person giving it: be specific, be timely, check your intention. But what about the person receiving it?
I observe coaching clients taking things personally, feeling emotional, confused, all sorts of things. Receiving feedback is tough as well – and rarely talked about. Let’s change that!
First stop: opinions disguised as feedback.
Opinions and Feedback Are Not the Same Thing
We treat every piece of feedback like it deserves a response. But often they are opinions – disguised as feedback.
People can have all sorts of opinion about what you do, how you do it, when you do it, with whom you do it, why you do it, where you do it.
An opinion has a job: to make the person giving (!) it feel seen, validated, or right. Feedback, however, has a different job: to help people improve. One serves you. One serves them.
Opinions aren’t necessarily helpful. Feedback has the intention to help you improve.
Just keeping this distinction in mind whenever you receive 'feedback' makes a huge difference.
Do you recognize this behavior: an opinion disguised as feedback?
Let’s explore how you can stay calm while receiving feedback.
Stay Calm When Receiving Feedback
“We need to talk about your performance.” Feel that? Heart rate up, face hot, brain planning defense?
How do you stay open and calm while feeling vulnerable and exposed?
There are different approaches to stay calm while listening and they all have one thing in common: Create space before your reaction so you can regulate your emotions.
For example, you can act like a commentator – “Okay, I’m receiving feedback. My heart rate goes up, that’s fine, I want to be active and engaged. I focus on listening now.”
Or you can take a few breaths with long exhales. Bonus: Take a deep inhale, sip in a little more air at the top, then let out a loooong slow exhale. That's the fastest way to calm your nervous system, according to Stanford research.
The goal is not be super calm. Just not letting panic run the conversation.
How do you feel when receiving feedback? Team cool as a cucumber or hot like a jalapeño?
Let’s take this a step further and use a secret weapon for staying calm in feedback conversations.
Getting Nervous? Use Your Breath
Nobody will notice you doing this.
But your heart rate will drop. Your thoughts will slow down. And suddenly you're back in the conversation instead of somewhere three steps ahead, planning your defense.
Because there is a tool that costs nothing, requires no training, works in any room, at any moment, and is completely invisible to everyone around you.
When we are stressed, our breath gets shallow. Unfortunately, that keeps our body in threat mode. But there’s a way to signal your body to shift gears: box breathing!
Breathe in 1–2–3–4, hold 1–2–3–4, out 1–2–3–4, hold 1–2–3–4.
Repeat this 1–3 times.
It slows your heart rate, calms your body, and helps you focus on the conversation.
Do you use breathing techniques to calm your nervous system? Or is this a new tool for you?
Last up, the ultimate challenge: how to actually listen instead of reacting to feedback.
Ask Questions When Receiving Feedback – It Pauses the Panic
Does this sound familiar? Someone is giving you feedback. And halfway through their first sentence, you're already gone.
Not physically, of course. But mentally you've left the room: you're building your case, preparing your defense, waiting for your turn to speak. By the time they finish, you've heard almost nothing.
How do we fix this?
When you get feedback, pause. Catch yourself and: listen and ask questions like:
- “What do you mean by that?”
- “Can you give me an example?”
- “So do I understand correctly that…?”
- “Could you share a little bit more?”
Asking these questions is a great way to pause that reaction.
It’s good to have your repertoire ready:
What’s a question that feels natural to you?
Now, let’s switch focus and explore how to ask for feedback.
I keep this super simple. The most important thing when it comes to asking for feedback? Stop asking for feedback. Seriously.
Stop Asking for "Feedback" – Ask This Instead
We spend so much time learning how to give feedback well. And then we ask for it in the vaguest possible way imaginable!
If you ask for ‘feedback’, you invite all sorts of opinions.
Instead of “Could you give me feedback?” ask things like:
- “What do you think I should improve?”
- “Where should I pay most attention to next time?”
- “In this slide deck, is the target audience clear?”
- “Does this structure make sense to you as a first time reader?”
- “If you could give me one piece of advice, what would it be?”
If you want real input, make it easy for people to give it to you. Tell them exactly what you want to know.
Have I convinced you to stop asking for feedback?
We explored giving feedback, receiving feedback and asking for feedback. Now what?
“Ok, I’m good now”, you might think. You've read this whole page, watched the videos, and answered the questions.
But then reality hits. For one reason or another, you find yourself in another challenging situation.
As a psychologist and coach since 2013, I can say: the challenges will never fully go away.
Going forward, it's all about:
- Separating facts, interpretations, and identity
- Reflecting on your thoughts, emotions, and motives
- Considering norms, unwritten rules, and team dynamics
Ultimately, it's an ongoing practice – not only for yourself, but for your whole team!
And however you got to this point of this page – that already says a lot about the person and leader you are. So I'd be happy to work with you on these team competencies 1:1. Just get in touch!
Do You Want to Bring This Course to Your Team or Organization?
Here are three levels of how you can do that:
- Level 1 – Personal Level: You share certain videos or this page with a team member or colleague. That way, you pass on the message and get the conversation going. Love that!
- Level 2 – Team Level: You’d like to share this course with your whole team. Perfect! Simply embed the YouTube videos in your Learning Management System. Please don't download the videos – instead, link them or use YouTube's embed function. And let me know when you do this – it'll make my day!
- Level 3 – Organizational Level: You'd like a customized solution for your organization. We repackage this series, combine it with your existing material, design a workshop, keynote, or learning journey, or combine it with other key team competencies. The options are limitless. Just get in touch.
Thank you for being here.
Christine Paulus
ENGLISH | DEUTSCH
