You don’t choose your reactions. Until you do! ✋
A word, a look, a message – sometimes it feels like someone has pushed our button. We snap even before we have the chance to think. Suddenly we’re defending ourselves, shutting down, getting sarcastic, or feeling the weird need to people-please.
What runs in the background is a mix of thoughts, emotions, and bodily reactions working together.
That’s one layer of our concepts. There’s more.
Alongside these reactions, we play internal chess: we think and live according to the rules we believe in. They are clear, logical, and internally consistent. Like in chess, where each piece has a clear way it’s supposed to move.
In everyday life, they sound like: “If you want to succeed, you must work hard.” “If you say no, you let people down.” “If you show emotion, you lose credibility.” “If you don’t prepare perfectly, you fail.” And if someone asked why these rules are true, we might even give a solid answer.
These are our beliefs. Core beliefs, because they are so ingrained. And there’s more!
Maybe you’ve worked with a coach before, your company utilizes internal coaches, or you’ve heard stories from friends and colleagues. So you have an idea what this thing called coaching is, right?
But we might see it differently – and over this series, I’m sharing what coaching means to me.
The same is true for other constructs: what is “modern leadership"? What is “financial freedom"? What is “great teamwork"? These are our constructs.
All these different concepts guide what we see, how we interpret situations, and what we believe is possible. They are our personal software, running quietly and constantly in the background, determining how we process the world.
They are not real – but feel real!
Think of it this way: turn off all the lights in your room. What do you see? Nothing. That doesn’t mean there is nothing, right? So what your eyes see is simply what’s visible to you in that moment – not reality itself.
Concepts work the same way. They are not reality itself. So where do they come from?
We learn them through upbringing, culture, education, and experience. We learn what a “good family” is. What a “healthy marriage” looks like. What “financial success” means.
Over time, new experiences challenge them. Life contradicts them. And people question them.
My Concepts – What does it mean?
In coaching, you uncover and explore your core beliefs, constructs, and patterns.
First comes the wake-up: there’s a button! And it triggers the same old protocol, every time. Of course,
You can desperately try to keep the world from touching your button – but a more sustainable and healthy way is to rewire it!
Then you explore which concepts help you, which hold you back, and how you can transform them to better support your goals, both at work and in life.
It helps to see the consequences in real time: When I stay quiet in the team meeting, I might be liked – but for the wrong reasons. When I over-prepare, I feel in control – but also worn out. When I manage this myself, I get things done – but block others from growing.
So...
What could you think and do instead – in ways that also make sense, feel right, and are in tune with your values, personality, and skills?
That’s the golden question you explore in coaching – and experiment with in the real world.
Working with concepts can feel confusing at times: Wait, do I really think that? How is that connected again? Sometimes you can literally feel your brain trying to fire in a new way. And sometimes, it’s time for a good laugh: How could I actually believe that? I love that moment.
One of my favorite questions here is: What if…? Who am I without this belief? What becomes possible now? It’s so revealing and relieving!
No matter the tone of the process, it usually leads to the same outcome: more agency and more freedom.
Because you broaden your repertoire: react the old way – or choose differently. That’s what I’d call freedom. But then again… you might have a different concept of “freedom” 😉
Finally, one question remains: Who am I? Next up: the self.
Keep reading → (coming soon!)
New to this series? Start here →
Christine Paulus
ENGLISH | DEUTSCH
